tt msg i got shocked me quite a bit...questions came to my mind..yet i was in a place where it wasnt easy to ask..not sure how to ask either....that's one thing i guess ill nv know how to do....
and to think its not the first time i heard this news...ironically after i tweeted...a friend whom had the same catastrophe (?) msged me in concern...and things were slightly different cos it happened before i knew her...and no matter how much time have passed...the pain doesnt go away....those questions are still in my head...and from what i know so far...i think it came as sudden to her as it was to me...no consoling words were enough...i typed and erased so many times thinking of what was right to say and i realise i really dont know..there doesnt seem to be any right words at all..so far..the replies have been short and revealing no hint of emotions..which i guess makes me even more doubtful of what to reply..any case..i do hope you to let it out and pray for the best of your family...
(that was typed yesterday..typed halfway before i decided to discontinue..)

and here i am back from the wake...it was slightly awkward..no expert in such stuff..neither do i wana be..but im glad to see you seem rather strong so far..though i hope you aint holding it up..when u need to let go..please do so..dont bottle it up....how issit possible to learn about another's - wake from one's?...no matter what inkling i had before..it still came as a shock...those msgs sent were unreplied..and that makes me worried i guess...i just hope you're fine...see that seems silly..how can anyone be fine...yet i really dunno what else i could do or say...i guess more than anything hope u do have an outlet for it...if u need to share share...it was meant to be a joyous time of the year...with this double xmas+new year thing...yet from this year onwards...it can never be that joyous again..

its something about since young...i just get to believe people just dont pass away from anything else except old age..or illnesses associated with old age...young people are not meant to leave so fast...despite hearing from world news...i guess it still doesnt really hit me that people around me can leave due to stuff apart from old age...until late happenings...it wasnt just this year...it started since last year too...its like parents/siblings/friends dont leave, old grandparents/great grandparents do..that's the norm...yet why recently all had to hit that i was disproved of that belief...it scares me...suddenly...it really scares me of my own family...how my dad always complain that i dont even say hi when he comes back for lunch sometimes...its time i make an effort to have more positive interactions with them..sometimes i think this..and that after i'll think what do i know..as time passes..itll probably just fade den ill be back to the same...still its scary..nv wait till things are too late..

frankly..i wanted to blog on the issue of after life after i read one of the books with the plot centered around how this college girl fell to her death affecting those around her...that was fiction...afterwards i got lazy and decided not to...yet...

thru past interactions with you...i understood how much you love him...you talked about him enough such that i knew his unusual occupation+art...his family..how he loves you too..the bond there..it was a close knitted family i could tell..and that you love your family more than anything else...it struck me too that i actually had once sorta convo tgt on a fb pic...light-heartedly...frankly..the question 'how' nv left my mind..but i couldnt..didnt noe how to ask how..so i left it at that..and for awhile there when you told us bout A...it got easier when i asked 'how' regarding her situation...yet it started to feel slightly insincere so i stopped...i guess you do know there's alot of us there caring worrying for you so yes be strong..but at anytime u need...let down your guard towards us too...im nt confident ill be able to handle it well but ill try...

A...its harder i dunno where to start..i guess you're not ready yet to share...and do what you need to do...just do give us a sign when you're ok...ill like to be there for you anytime you need too...

with life after living...i actually do have a rather perfect belief...like how people are free from sufferings..they meet other 'people' there..back when my hamster died at ard the same time as sb's grandpa...ill like to believe they're tgt playing with each other..i still do actually...i dunno..its more of my imagination i guess..but i mean you'll nv find out what it really is like so why think of bad stuff...i try to convince my very top above friend that but it didnt really work..and i dun really have a valid reason as to why that should work either...i think she thinks im too optimistic...cant really argue with anything with that since i couldnt know what its like to feel that pain....
please..i pray...that for the new year...everyone i know live happily healthily...so does everyone they know...

frankly..that should be locked but i guess ill leave it for now...sorry to dampen this mood at the last of 2010..)

alright...now that its out...im on to happier things..issit weird? insincere?...i think about such stuff alot when im alone..but i can be happy with people ard..see thats when some slight guilt comes around....

well...ive known alot more about you during that talk on our way back...it seems easier now that you've shared previously...didnt have to push so hard...lol...i nv did know bout such stuff and we nv really talked bout it...it was somewhat like a mini htht...although pretty much one-sided..but i was interested to know them so great job:) i guess that time we got closer after college meant alot to me with you becoming one of my closest friend and i hope i was that to you too:)....nvtheless!...6 months is still a damn long time kkay!!you watch out! *paws you*

(oh..it felt like i just written an essay...albeit a very lousy one...)